Life on Mars
by Kevin Coelho

        This is the moment we have been awaiting for centuries. For the first time ever, Earthlings will walk on the surface of Mars. Sure, it's just a small expedition to collect land and dust samples, but it's pretty amazing when it's looked at from a historical standpoint.

       As two of my colleagues and myself stand in front of the pod bay doors, we can only wonder what awaits us on the other side. As the doors slowly open, we get our first glimpse of the great red planet. An awesome red mountain appears before us as our eyes adjust to the bright red aura of the terrain. After a closer examination of the giant mound, we are
amazed that it is not a mountain at all, but a sculpture. There is no mistaking what the sculpture depicts - it is clearly a human head. Examining it further, we get a clearer view of the Rushmore-sized head. The tall pompadour hair, the thick side burns, the enormous sunglasses, the sneering lip. There is no mistaking it. We are in the presence of a king. THE King. The head is a large-scale model of ELVIS.

        "Oh my God, look!" yells one of my comrades. He points to a bright source of light coming from another large mound in the distance. With closer inspection using space binoculars, I see a giant neon sign. It is so glamorous, made up of millions of
white light bulbs. One at a time, the letters light up E-L-V-I-S. Standing in awe, we watch as HE arrives. He is riding a chariot powered by 12 small pale, alien-looking creatures decked out in dazzling rhinestone jumpsuits. "So they finally sent someone," the King sneers. I decide it's time to come clear with my fellow explorers about our real objective on Mars - and it's not to collect land and dust samples.

        Decades ago, our government sent Elvis to Mars, in hopes of avoiding a possible take-over by the King. The government created the whole "death" ordeal as a cover to fool his legions of fans. After a couple years of living on Mars, Elvis began sending spies back to Earth to pick locations for his return. The government called these spies "Elvis
impersonators." The location was to be Las Vegas; the date of his return would be December 31st, 1999. Much like Christ, he would return and lead his followers. Unlike Christ, however, his agenda would be world domination. My mission is to eliminate Elvis before his revolt. The aliens on Mars idolize him, and his distinct brand of rockabilly. Much like Colonel Kurtz, he must be taken down. Elvis is what the government calls a "Class X" celebrity. A celebrity who plans world domination and must be removed from the public eye before it's too late. Other such celebrities include J.D. Salinger, the Lindbergh baby, and Bob Crane, formerly of Hogan's Heroes."

        I knew when Elvis started shooting at our ship that he would not come quietly. One way or another, I would not be leaving Mars until Elvis was dead, and my mission complete. . .